The Pride of Pequannock

Derek Jeter in 1996

Some of you may have noticed – and I assume that most of those of whom I'm speaking here are, in fact, inmates at a prison for the criminally insane – that Derek Jeter, shortstop for the New York Chubbywallets and erstwhile All-Star, slipped a couple of balls past the Tampa Bay Slurpee™ Drinkers' laconic defense yesterday and thus became the 27th Major Leaguer to accumulate 3,000 or more hits.

Lest you wonder how it is that I came to be aware of this revolting development, please remember that I do pretend to cover the news; also, I have four [reputed] family members who follow the Chubbywallets in a less-than-casual fashion. Their untoward caterwauling at the moment Mr. Jeter achieved this milestone was unavoidable, even from 3,000 miles away.

Let's be frank: Mr. Jeter is a fine ballplayer; certainly, as Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Comical wrote today, a first-ballot Hall of Famer. But, as Mr. Ostler also wrote, the idea that Mr. Jeter could have won all those championships – or, indeed, even had the opportunity to achieve the 3,000-hit plateau – without the complement of the very expensive machine that is the Chubbywallets' perennially star-studded roster is far-fetched, to say the least. The supporting cast at Chubbywallet Stadium, either the old or the new version, is such that many a player has seemed just that much better as a result. Unlimited resources will do that for a team.

I'm more impressed by players like Tony Gwynn or Carl Yastrzemski – players who excelled despite the relative weakness of their respective teams. Let's see Derek get his 3,000 hits playing for Pittsburgh, shall we? He probably wouldn't even have 3,000 plate appearances yet.

Still, because I'm not a hater (so far as you know, that is), I extend my congratulations to Mr. Jeter, and remind him that he still has to get another 181 hits to catch Cal Ripken, Jr.